Feeling Unsupported In Your Marriage

How can you feel unsupported or lonely in your marriage when they’re practically in the same room with you most of the time?  In an ideal world, both partners in a marriage work mutually towards the success of their relationship. However, often, that’s not what usually happens in the long run. Soon enough, many begin feeling unsupported in your marriage one way or another!

Feeling Unsupported In Your Marriage – How It Works?

While this is a common issue that most couples go through during their marriage, how they handle the given situation determines if it’ll make or break their relationship. Moreover, the problem only elevates when your spouse looks at you with utmost confusion once you try speaking to them about it. That’s because, according to them, ‘How can you feel unsupported or lonely in your marriage when they’re practically in the same room with you most of the time?’

However, this feeling of loneliness has less to do with your partner’s physical availability and more to do with their emotional absence and lack of contribution most of the time. For instance, you may feel this way when you see that your spouse does not contribute to their fair share of duties, leaving you to juggle through everything while they sit by idly. If not that, feeling unsupported in your marriage can be partly because your partner isn’t appreciative of your dreams, finding them a waste of time even if it means breaking your heart.

Ultimately, you feel like your partner doesn’t care about you. The compliments are usually few and far between, and even they’re mostly about things that you don’t exactly find yourself to feel proud about. That’s when you start realizing that your spouse and you are probably worlds apart on most basic values. Unsurprisingly, it frightens you, making you wonder if you’ve married the wrong person.

With all this uncertainty, it is more than understandable to be feeling unsupported in your marriage.

8 Signs Your Partner Isn’t Contributing to the Relationship As They Should

To get on the road to a fair and balanced relationship, you must first learn the signs that indicate your spouse isn’t contributing to the relationship you both built together. If you find that a handful of these facts that ring true about your relationship, it might be time to make some much-needed changes.

1- There’s No Free Time Left for You

Are you feeling run down because of your weekly routine? Is it because of an endless to-do list that keeps running through your head before, after, and even while you’re working? If the answer to both these questions is a ‘yes,’ then ask yourself this: ‘Is your partner also working the same way you are?’

If the answer is negative this time, and all your spouse is doing is reaping your hard work’s benefits, then yes, feeling unsupported in your marriage might be a just conclusion.

2- You Have to Make All the Important Decisions

It’s a fixed dynamic for one of the partners to call the big shots in many relationships. If that’s the case with you, and both you and your partner agree with this set-up, then it’s understandable. However, the problem arises when this role becomes more of a headache for you. Making decisions shouldn’t feel like a burden, and if it does, it simply means your spouse isn’t putting in their fair share of work in the marriage.

3- Your Dreams Aren’t Worthy Enough

Stopping someone when they’re out to accomplish their dreams is outright toxic. But not appreciating them or making them feel as if their goals aren’t worthy enough is not too far off either. No dream is too small when you are already a nervous wreck about taking the next step. On top of that, if your spouse is making you feel unsupportive instead of being your biggest cheerleader, it can be quite a hurdle for your relationship.

However, it is still best to realize that voicing genuine concerns and making you feel unsupported should lie in separate categories. That’s because while you can work with the former issue by making respective plans accordingly, the latter opinion isn’t that much helpful for anyone.

4- Unfair, Unreliable, and Unpredictable

It isn’t healthy when a person feels like they’re doing all the work to maintain their lifestyle in a marriage. It’s unfair and draining for them as they run themselves ragged by the end of every week. Moreover, if your spouse does chores for you once or twice a week as a favor rather than thinking of it as their duty, that’s a whole other level of unreliability. This unpredictability among partners is just another indication you have the right to feel unsupported in your marriage.

5- Their Accusing Finger Always Points Towards You

In unhealthy relationships, the good always goes unnoticed because it is expected of you. In contrast, you mess up once, and your partner drenches you top to bottom with the impending blame. If that’s how it is in your marriage, you should brace up and prepare yourself to make some requisite changes.

6- Consistent Anxiety and Stress

When you’re living in such circumstances, the anxiety and stress follow you soon enough. You also begin experiencing short-tempers when you feel like your partner doesn’t care about you. The result is always the same – emotional detachment. Moreover, you can’t discount the disappointment and irritability you feel when your spouse doesn’t so much as ask if there’s something wrong, let alone offer you any help to lighten the mood.

7- The Urge to Go On Strike

The resentment you experience after feeling unsupported in your marriage eventually makes you want to go on a strike. You want your partner to notice you, and the only way you see that happening is if you stop doing things for them that you normally did without them having to ask. If you’re feeling the need to take such actions, it must be because it has gotten challenging for you to live like a robot with no emotions.

8- The Constant Feeling of Being Misunderstood

Lastly, unfairness from your partner’s side can go way beyond not contributing to doing the house chores and being unsupportive of your dreams. In reality, it feels as if you’re being misunderstood at every opportunity available. The feeling of isolation when you and your spouse don’t meet halfway leaves you emotionally exhausted while the issues remain unresolved.

What to Do When You’re Feeling Unsupported In your Marriage

If you feel your life is revolving around the signs mentioned earlier (or, at least most of them), then it’s time to revamp your lifestyle from the inside out. Here are nine things you can do if you feel a lack of support in your marriage:

1- Polish Your Own Coping Skills

What do you do when you feel the urge to scream at your partner when they don’t understand what you’re going through? Do you take it on the chin, or do the frustrating circumstances impact you so badly you have to deal with migraines for the next couple of days? If you take the latter approach, the first thing you need is to sharpen your own coping skills. That’s because until you don’t find a way to reflect on your thoughts rationally, you can’t execute any of your plans capably.

We would recommend killing this unhealthy pattern with a healthier and effective one. For example, you can go for a short walk until your mind calms down, or you can practice meditation and deep breathing. Once you know how to deal with your frustrations without affecting your mental health, you can move on to create a better future for yourself.

2- Reach Out to Your Support Network

Keeping to yourself about your problems usually happens when you feel like people will judge you if you share too much. Or, it could be because you keep thinking, ‘I can’t cause them any more stress than they already have in their life.’ Either way, if it is a loved one you want to seek help from, then both these issues are the blocks that are unnecessarily keeping you away from the help you desire.

People who have a genuine interest in your life will never judge you, even when you’re in the wrong. Furthermore, sharing your problems with them will only create a better, stronger bond between the two of you. Your stress is your own, just as their problems are not yours. They can be upset about your situation and want to help you by offering you their support, but that’s the extent of it. In the end, reaching out to them will give you the moral support you need to make the next few life changes.

 

3- Analyze the Reasons for Feeling Unsupported in Your Marriage

Before you start talking with your partner, it would help to analyze the causes behind feeling unsupported in your marriage first. If you can attest to the signs we talked about in the previous section, then you must have a cause for feeling this way. Pinpoint why you feel lonely in your relationship and what you really want from your partner to change things for the better.

4- Ask Yourself if Your Goals Are Attainable

Now that you’ve come to terms with the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and established your new goals, the first thing you should ask yourselves is if these objectives are even practical to achieve and are fair to your partner. Just because you and your partner have different values doesn’t mean you can step on their beliefs and consider your dreams more important than theirs. Be fair with your reasoning process and understand the issues from your partner’s perspective as well.

5- Embrace the Struggle

It is also best to remember that any road worth traveling isn’t usually an easy one. It is the constant effort you put in that leads you to a beautiful journey. If you’ve decided to reestablish your relationship with your partner, then you should work to embrace the struggles and own your plans as well.

6- Have the Hard Talk

As difficult and frustrating as it can be, reasonable and rational communication is the key to solving this issue. The point of having this conversation is to meet your spouse in the middle with open honesty. While it will definitely take you and your partner some time to understand each other correctly, you’ll eventually get there once you realize the importance of having this hard talk.

7- Listen – Understand – Validate

When you’re talking, refrain from interrupting your partner until they’re done. You’ll need to open your mind to not only listen but also understand what they’re saying. After all, it could be a big misunderstanding between you and your spouse that has led you to such unfortunate circumstances. There’s also the possibility that they might be trying to reach out to you but couldn’t work out how to do that.

8- Be Open to Change Your Goals, Behavior, and Approach

No one wants to stick around with a self-glorifying person, let alone a spouse. That’s why if you come off as too arrogant, it may do even more damage to your relationship than it has also endured. After listening to your partner’s concerns, you should make yourself flexible enough to change your tactics instead of demanding things go your way. However, if they’re unfair, then it’s time to let out your negotiating skills to resolve the conflicts without stirring any drama.

9- Most Importantly, See a Marriage Coach!

The best approach to take when you’re feeling unsupported in your marriage and want to reconnect with your partner is to share your experience with a marriage coach. At Marriage Means Moore, we help you reestablish the right foundation for your relationship in just 90 days! Moreover, you can start this new journey with us by taking our free consultation session.

You can also visit our website and go through plenty of resources that help you get to the root of your conflicts with your partner more conveniently. Lastly, you can check out our book, How Communicating Saved Our Marriage, which details every aspect of married life and how you can deal with the passing obstacles more confidently through constructive communication.

By Antonio & Laura Moore, Relationship & Marriage Coaches – February 18, 2020