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As much as you love your partner and care for them, there may be times when you feel like you are stuck in a negative cycle, where the foundation of your relationship seems to be crumbling more each day.  Healing from negative cycles in your relationship where there is hurt, pain, conflict, anger, frustration, blame, and unfulfilled expectations is possible.  Without the courage to stop the negativity you will keep going in circles and it’s like a never-ending vicious cycle.

Negative feelings lead to two people in love shutting each other out and tearing each other down, which creates deep resentment between the two of them. The feelings of anger, bitterness and even hatred can be so strong and intense that, if not healed, they will destroy your relationship.

The truth is that marriage is not a walk in the park and it’s not always rainbows, flowers and sunsets as they show you in movies and TV shows. Yes, there are sunsets and flowers, but there are also thorns and darkness.

Healing from Negative Cycles in Your Relationship

The negative cycles of a relationship can wreak havoc on the levels of trust, love and care between you and your partner, but you can always break free from it and pave the way towards healing and recovery. If you are wondering how to save my marriage, you need to heal and repair your relationship.  You need some new tools to rebuild trust and love in your relationship.

For this very reason, we, at Marriage Means Moore, use the H-E-A-L strategy to mend broken relationships and fix what can be healed. It builds a healing momentum that helps relationships tread towards rebuilding trust and love in your relationship.

The HEAL Strategy we use as marriage coaches includes:   H=Hearing   E=Empathizing     A=Acting       L=Loving

When you hear and actively listen to what the other person has to say, you are able to empathize with them and understand where they are coming from. You can then act on this and respond by showing some love, affection and care to your partner.

That’s the ultimate goal and beauty of the HEAL strategy; it teaches you how to be there for someone you love. Often times, all you need to do to break free from the negative cycles in your relationship is sit down with your partner and hear them out. Sometimes, a lack of communication can ruin everything.  So, reach out to your partner, let them know how much you love them and that they matter to you even though there are challenges.

How to Heal from the Negative Cycles in Your Relationship

Whenever you feel like your relationship is going downhill, and there’s a never-ending cycle of negativity, it is time for you to step back and assess what’s wrong.

Such a cycle tends to create a repeating pattern of harmful feelings, behaviors and thoughts which leads to hopelessness, frustration, and distress.

However, it does not mean that your relationship will always be stuck in that cycle; there’s always a way out; you just have to try a little harder.  Here are five things that are characteristic of a negative cycle in a relationship and ways through which you can break free and heal the bond of love between you and your partner

1.  EMOTIONAL DISTANCE

This is quite a common issue that occurs in relationships in which both partners slowly drift away from each other and become emotionally disconnected. This happens when people use alternate or secondary emotions like anger to cover up their actual emotions in order to avoid talking about their desires and feelings that are most important to them.

They become passive-aggressive, avoid meaningful conversations, and shut the other person down when they try to ask what’s wrong.

Why Do We Do It?

There are many reasons why you and your partner become emotionally distant from one another. The main factor that leads to this emotional gap is vulnerability.  Not everyone likes to open up and become vulnerable in front of other people. It is possible that one partner feels like their deepest, darkest feelings won’t be heard properly or respected by the other person. This fear often makes them distant and unable to connect with the other person on an emotional level.

In another instance, if your partner displays feelings of unhappiness and sadness in front of you, you may not know how to respond to that. You might try your best to fix the problem, but the chances are that it might not work. You know why? Because maybe, instead of fixing the problem, all you had to do was listen to your partner empathically.

Why is it a Problem?

Emotional distance is a serious problem in relationships because it can lead to feelings of doubt between two people. It makes them feel like their needs and desires will never be fulfilled, which eventually creates detachment between partners.  Healing from negative cycles in your relationship is the answer to your problems.

Consequences

The end result is lack of sexual intimacy, feelings of loneliness, limited conversation and only work-related communication. Eventually, they end up distracting themselves by focusing on parenting, working 24/7, or even get involved in substance abuse and extramarital affairs to meet their needs.

What You Should Do Instead

The only thing that can help overcome emotional distance in relationships is the readiness and acceptance to change.  You need to accept the fact that this is a problem that requires immediate attention, and you must change things around to make it better. This can mean giving up on old habits, trying new things and stepping out of your comfort zone.

Relationship & marriage coaching is a great option, be it couples coaching or individual life coaching because it can help you to identify the root problem and then suggest ways to resolve the issue permanently.

2.  TRUST

Like love, trust is such a key factor that forms the foundations of a marriage and other relationships. Lack of trust between two people can occur due to a number of reasons including one partner being unavailable for the other, hiding things from the other person, lying, being dishonest, not expressing their true self and the fear that your partner might take advantage of you, to name a few.

Why Do We Do It?

The inability to trust can come from either one partner or both of them, but in both cases, it can create a never-ending negative cycle. There’s no single explanation as to why one is unable to trust their partner. One of the biggest reasons for this is a person’s past experiences. If you’ve been betrayed in life by someone or been subjected to emotional abuse during childhood, you are likely to find it really difficult to trust your partner.

Similarly, if a person hides things from the other and displays suspicious behavior, it can also lead to a serious lack of trust between two partners in a relationship.

Why is it a Problem for a Relationship?

Lack of trust simply constricts a relationship and doesn’t leave any room for it to grow and expand. It creates feelings of insecurity, resentment and fear that begin to dominate the relationship in ways that there’s often no going back. It makes one super cynical about everything and you might yourself trying to control your partner when you don’t trust them.

Consequences

If there’s no trust in a relationship, it just eliminates feelings of love, compassion and loyalty completely. You and your partner will inadvertently end up pushing each other away and won’t be able to exchange the love and affection that you promised to give to each other as newlyweds.

What You Should Do Instead

First, try to identify why there’s a lack of trust in the first place. Try to find out if the inability to trust is coming from you, your partner, or both. Once you figure out the root cause, talk it out with your partner, but in a non-blaming way. Remember one thing; there’s no one ‘at fault’ here, and no one needs to be blamed for anything. The only way to solve the problem is by doing it together because, at the end of the day, you and your partner must come out of this stronger together.

3.  CRITICISM

From name-calling to commenting on each other’s work, character and looks, husbands and wives often end up criticizing and putting each other down.  At Marriage Means Moore we call this going below the belt!

Why Do We Do It?

Your personality plays a huge role here because people who are narcissistic tend to put themselves on a superior pedestal from where they judge their partner on every little thing. Another reason why we criticize is that we’ve grown up watching others do the same, be it our parents, relatives or friends, and we fail to realize how negatively it affects the other person.  Healing from  negative cycles in your relationship is the key.

Why is it a Problem for a Relationship?

It creates bitterness and resentment between two people because if someone is you or your partner is always putting each other down, it will completely erode feelings of love, compassion and care. You lose the respect you have for the other person and might try your best to keep your distance from them. If anything, this can lead to constant negativity, and there might come a day when you both no longer wish to stay with each other.

Consequences

Lack of trust and decreased self-worth are two of the biggest and most dangerous outcomes of constant criticism and judgment in a relationship. When you love someone, you accept them as they are with all their shortcomings and flaws, and vice versa. But if this turns into a game of condemnation and finding faults in the other person constantly, it can make one lose their self-esteem, and they always tend to doubt themselves.

What You Should Do Instead

Try to achieve tolerance, practice compassion and learn how to be mindful of what you say and how you say things. The best way to deal with this is to understand why a person is the way they are. If you don’t like something about your partner, focus on what made them this way instead of picking faults and blaming them. At the same time, if there’s something your partner doesn’t like about you, make them understand the reasons behind it.

At the end of the day, if it is something about you or your partner that is seriously affecting the relationship, you can always talk it out and solve the issue together.  Establishing ground rules for fighting fair is a great start!

4.  BLAMING

Blame games often occur in relationships when one feels that the other is always doing something wrong. It could also be a person’s coping or defense mechanism for their own bad outcomes and wrongdoings.

Why Do We Do It?

We blame our partner because when something goes wrong in our relationship, we tend to look for something or someone to blame for it. Our brains automatically look for a reason that explains what went wrong and why.

Another reason is the need to control others, and when we have someone to blame for all the wrongs, it gives us a greater sense of control and dominance over them.

Why is it a Problem for a Relationship?

As with the other factors of a negative cycle, blaming each other also erodes the love between two people and makes them feel like they are always under for something or the other. If you keep blaming your partner for not being able to get a better job or if your partner keeps blaming you for all the problems at home, there’s a high chance that both will be sick of each other and will always be fighting.

Consequences

One of the major consequences of blaming is this constant battle of trying to prove who is right and who is wrong. In doing so, the underlying problem doesn’t get solved at all, and the needs for safety, communication, and connection aren’t even addressed in any way.

You and your partner will be stuck in this cycle of proving that the other person is at fault and during all this, the little love or respect that you had for each other will also be lost.

What You Should Do Instead

Before you judge and blame the other person, it is best to do self-evaluation, self-reflection and consider your own actions and behaviors. Try to understand that there might be a few things you did or said which unintentionally may have contributed to the problem.

Take responsibility for your actions and apologize to your partner for the wrongs you did. At the same time, if your partner has hurt you in any way, make sure to communicate your feelings to them and let them know that their behavior has affected you.

5.  JEALOUSY

Jealous is a deadly sin that can ruin relationships in ways that one can’t even imagine. It is also about one’s own insecurities and vulnerabilities than anything about your partner.

Why Do We Do It?

We get jealous because we may have a poor self-image coupled with really low self-esteem levels. If you feel that you’re less competent or attractive than your partner, it will inevitably lead to feelings of jealousy. Another reason is possessiveness which leads to unrealistic expectations in a relationship. If a person is too possessive about their partner and if they don’t receive 100% percent attention at all times, they are likely to feel jealous, which is super unhealthy to begin with.

Why is it a Problem for a Relationship?

When you are jealous of your partner for whatever reason, it not only takes a toll on your mental health but can make you behave in unimaginable ways. It creates feelings of insecurities, mistrust and leads to this intense need of control which can destroy a healthy relationship.

Consequences

Jealousy can have disastrous effects on a relationship, one of which is lack of trust and belief in the other person even if the latter hasn’t done anything. Jealous can make one do things and behave in ways that you can’t even begin to imagine. It can lead to violent behavioral tendencies, make you suspicious of your partner’s actions and can even make two people limit each other’s independence.

What You Should Do Instead

Instead of feeling jealous, one should try to overcome the negativity by first recognizing that they have an issue. Acceptance of one’s shortcomings is the key towards becoming a better version of yourself. Secondly, start by trusting your partner and communicate with them if you ever feel the jealousy resurfacing again. Sometimes, all you need is an honest and open talk with your partner to solve your issues.

Lastly, build healthy coping skills and try to cultivate self-confidence and self-esteem within yourself.

Healing from Negative Cycles in Your Relationship is Possible

It is not uncommon for two people in a relationship to get stuck in a negative cycle; however, the earlier you do something about it, the better it will be for you and your partner.

If you feel the need to talk with a professional relationship coach, contact Marriage Means Moore for a FREE Consultation!  Let us help save your marriage and pave the way towards a healthier relationship.

 

By Antonio & Laura Moore – July 14, 2020  – Built Marriage Tough – Marriage Means Moore, Inc. ©2020 All Rights Reserved

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