What are your options now that we’ve been married for a long time and have children? Is that all there is to it now? Did something go wrong? Because if you don’t love me, how am I supposed to live with you? If I don’t love you, how can I possibly live with you? It’s paralyzing just thinking about it. We’re still here, though…
All couples have their share of highs and lows in their relationship. There are times when the two of them can’t bear to be apart, and times when they prefer to be apart. The secret to finding happiness in an unhappy marriage is to find the middle ground between the two parties involved.
Several couples believe that staying together should be their primary focus once they’ve signed marriage papers and made their relationship official. However, couples should never make staying together their marriage’s most important goal.
Couples should choose to stay together for the sake of their happiness. You may reach a point in your marriage where you no longer find anything to be excited about, and it may begin to feel like a burden. In this situation, you must make some immediate changes in your life that will help to revitalize your relationship with your spouse. Marriage repair requires maturity on the part of both spouses, and neither of you should not rush into making any rash decisions.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Is that all we have left to talk about? What happened? Because how can I live with you if you don’t love me? How could I live with you if I don’t love you? Just thinking about it makes me feel frozen.
Still, we’re still here…
“I no longer care about them… The feelings have gone… It doesn’t have anything… “I guess there was never.”
Let’s start by breaking this down so you can understand what your partner is trying to tell you. Maybe they don’t know how to say what they want.
You don’t get what I’m telling you.
You don’t give a damn about me.
You don’t appreciate what I’ve done.
You don’t care about me at all.
You don’t value me.
I’m mad as hell.
I’ve been ignored.
I’ve been assuming the best about you.
I’m not up to par.
I don’t measure up.
I’m in pain!
What exactly does all that mean?
“I’m not in love with you anymore” means I do not trust you and will not be vulnerable with you again because it has hurt for so long and you have not changed it – is what they are really trying to communicate! You see, we believe that in our relationships, feelings of hurt and anger trump any feelings of love, and then that resentment builds over time, leading us to give up on our partners.
When we cannot fix it and they won’t fix it, our human nature is to hold onto our negative feelings and use them to justify our decision to stop loving… The reality is that our relationship is suffering when we decide to stop loving. In fact, our decisions about reality are always followed by feelings.
Your spouse may have assumed a pattern of disrespect, neglect, arrogance, lack of appreciation, or superiority based on years of your behaviors. They will conclude that the truth is “you don’t understand… don’t care… don’t respect… don’t cherish, etc.…” if they interpret negatively enough. That interpretation will certainly cause negative emotions such as hurt, anger, and resentment. Withdrawal and a decision not to risk reaching out to you in love will be the result. When this happens, the negative suffocates all feelings of love.
Desperation Kicks In
“I don’t love you anymore…” is a result of desperation and fear for your partner, and it can be a shock wave of surprise for the listener, moving through all stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance is all a part of the process.
When you have finally reached the point of acceptance… “They’re serious about it.” They have completely lost all empathy for you!” Then the real work begins, and it is a long, tough road ahead. Is it unthinkable? No… We have seen this challenging work in the lives of many couples who thought they were lost, and we have seen them come back stronger than they have ever been… However, you can bet that repairing the damage… will take some time.
Secrets to Change
Is there a better way to do things? Yes, absolutely. Do not toss a good, intimate relationship to the wolves. We do not think we got married for the right reasons,” some of you may say. Perhaps we have never had a meaningful relationship…. We have just made a mistake?” That’s BS! There is no such thing as a “perfect partner” for you… If you wanted to, there are plenty single people out there for you to love and ready be loved… So, make the decision to love the person you’re currently with and work on repairing your marriage.
Where to Start – Try Something New
Make your marriage relationship the most important thing in your life. What is your priority if you are in a small boat that’s full of holes and leaking… you’re in the middle of the sea… Is it better to row or patch? The boat represents your marriage.
- Pay attention – What exactly is going on? What exactly are they doing or saying?
- Decipher – What does it all mean? What does it imply or say about ME?
- Feel – How do I feel because of my interpretation?
- Act – How do I act when I am experiencing these emotions?
Adopt the mindset that “it’s all about them, not about me.”
- Apologize for whatever role you played in the mess you are in… both well-known and unknown
- Commit to learn about your spouse: who they are, what they require, and how to provide it.
- Enlist their assistance in making the necessary changes.
- Promise them that you will ask for a progress report on a regular basis and that you’ll listen to them.
- Recognize that you cannot change them, but you can change your own attitude and behavior.
REMEMEBER HOW THEY FELT THE DAY BEFORE:
- You don’t understand what I’m saying.
- You don’t give a damn about me.
- You are unappreciative of my efforts.
- You show no regard for me.
- You don’t value me.
- Disprove their claims.
We know you are wondering “What about me?”. Forget about it… Continue to patch the boat’s holes. You do not love someone because you have to spend your life with them; you love them because you chose to spend your life with them. To provide for, to protect, to cherish, and to grow in intimacy… You devote yourselves to each other in order to create something beautiful. Love your wives… die for them, men. Respect your husbands, women.
Personal Happiness – Self Love
So, if you want to show your partner more love and care, work on making yourself happy first. Studies show that married people are happier than single people, but that doesn’t mean you should get married to be happy. If you think that marriage will make you happy in every way, you’re setting yourself up to be let down.
Happiness Can Be Defined in A Variety of Ways
Do you have an idea of what happiness means to you? What’s more satisfying: intense pleasure and exhilaration, or a deep sense of contentment and contentment within?
Both emotions go hand in hand to create the emotion of joy. Even if they are “ecstatic,” many people don’t consider themselves content until they are. Sadly, emotional ecstasy is often fleeting and leaves you longing for something more. Recognizing that you don’t have to be ecstatic to be happy can help you find happiness in an unhappy marriage. Contentment and well-being are just as important.
Consider A New Angle
Many people are miserable because they focus on the negative aspects of their relationships. It’s important to actively seek out and focus on the positive aspects of life if you want to be truly content. It’s uplifting to be happy. To deal with your marital issues, it gives you the energy you need.
Where Do You Go From Here
Consider How You Can Improve Your Relationship with God Together
The most solid foundation for a happy marriage is a healthy relationship with God. When you have a good relationship with God, you come to realize that you are made in God’s image. It helps you become a more patient, selfless, and caring person, allowing you to love your spouse as Christ loves the church.
Marriage is strengthened by prayer.
As a result, don’t use it as a last-ditch effort in the event of relationship troubles. Consider a prayer if you and your spouse are of the same faith. Even spouses who don’t consider themselves “spiritual” are often open to the idea of prayer. Pray for one another, then. If you’re unsure of how to begin or feel awkward, you can find advice on how to pray in books or online. You can save your marriage by being on the same page about what you want from your marriage, especially when it comes to prayer and the spiritual side of things.
Praying can be awkward for some couples because they are unsure of what to say. So, here’s an example of a prayer you can adapt or use: ‘God, we/I come to you with humility and sincerity. Please lend a hand to keep my husband and I together. We ask that you shower us with your kindness and wisdom. Amen.”
The power of prayer cannot be understated.
The outcome of a difficult situation can be changed when two or more people pray together or share the same prayers. You can also invite other family members and friends to pray specifically for your marriage, as this will help you get the support you need.
Only God who knows the whole story because he knows the hearts. However, your marriage is important to Him and serves a specific purpose. Even if you want a certain outcome for your marriage, keep in mind that people have free will and will ultimately choose what they think is best.
If you pray for the success of your marriage, God is always working to fulfill His plan for your life and that of those you care about. Focus on the positive aspects of any situation, and you’ll be more likely to succeed. To save your marriage, do whatever is necessary!! To begin with a prayer.
When you’re unhappy with the state of your marriage, you only seem to think about the bad things. For example, you think about how fights over small things have become more common, and how your tolerance for your partner has worn thin. At this point, your instincts would tell you to get out of the house and go somewhere else. You still want the marriage to work, but you don’t know how to fix the broken parts.
You should think about the things that first made you fall in love with your partner when you start to doubt your relationship. There is always an initial spark that turns into a huge fire when you start a relationship. When you think about the good times, your hope rises, and it’s easier to believe in your relationship.
Marriage & Relationship Coaching
Lastly, it’s one of the best options to talk it out with a relationship coach when you’re looking to figure out how to manage relationship stress. At Marriage Means Moore, you can get your first appointment scheduled with us today and watch your relationship get back on track within 90 days!
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