While there can be absolutely nothing wrong in your relationship, you may still be wanting more from your marriage. This doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or aren’t getting along; there may just be a lack of a spark or some changes in your needs.
Your partner’s needs will change over time, and so will yours. There is nothing wrong with wanting more from your marriage since this is a natural feeling that couples may have from time to time. There can be many different new things that you may like to explore or do with your partner – even if you did not do these things before.
The new things can range from a better emotional connection, exploration of physical needs, setting up new boundaries, or anything else that you might need. You should not feel bad about wanting to enrich your marriage in a way that suits you better. It can only help to strengthen your relationship when you do something about it.
Here are some things that you can do.
1. Analyze the Situation
If you feel like your marriage is flat-lining, you should first take some time to analyze the situation. There are seasons for pretty much everything in life, from blossoming flowers to football matches. There are ups and downs in every marriage where things seem like they have calmed. But this does not mean that your entire marriage is falling apart.
Analyze to see if this just seems like a temporary cloud or if there is something very real missing from your marriage. If you think you do want more from the marriage, you also need to decide exactly what it is. The worst thing you could do is have a conversation on this without knowing what you need from your partner.
You should have an idea about what you want from your partner. It can include wanting them to spend more time with your family, wanting them to be more affectionate, spicing up your sex life, taking on more household work, better listening, more open conversations, or pretty much anything else you think can make your marriage better. Once you have a clearer picture in mind, you can move on to doing something about it through more actionable steps.
2. Don’t Settle
The worst thing you can do is settle for something that doesn’t feel right to you. If you end up settling for a so-so compromise, you will end up dissatisfied, even if it doesn’t feel like a big deal. If you continue to accept an average situation or decide that it’s just “good enough,” it can be a slippery slope to divorce. Dr. William Doherty suggests that if a couple continues to harbor dissatisfaction, it can be an indicator of a divorce in the future.
You need to go back to the moment when you were getting married and revive the dreams and hopes you may have had at the time. Do you feel like the hopes you had from your married life have been realized? Upon revisiting or reviewing your thoughts before marriage and the reality of it now, you may notice some gaps.
While it is true that every relationship’s honeymoon period will eventually fade away, you should be looking forward to a richer, deeper love at that point. You should be learning more about each other and learning new reasons to love each other.
However, if you feel the gap too strongly and do not think there is much more to your marriage anymore, there is nothing wrong with wanting more from your marriage. If you settle for the so-so situation and continue to feel dissatisfied with your life, it can be detrimental to your marriage in the long run.
Demanding more is okay and justified.
3. Go Deeper
The key is to not just skim the surface of the issue. You shouldn’t just talk about it or think it but rather make some actionable changes in your life to fix the issue at its root. There is a huge probability that there are some simple, practical things you or your partner can do to fix the issue.
You can come together as a couple to agree on a few changes such as having a deeper conversation, regular dates with just you two, and more physical intimacy. However, you shouldn’t forget to address the deeper questions and issues that lie beneath the surface, either. While the changes will help you have a shared sense of experience that can help foster oneness and connection, it can be more prudent to address the roots of the issue.
Why are you feeling the way you are? Why do you think things, as they are going, aren’t enough? Why do you think there needs to be more? What things are missing, and why are they missing from your marriage?
If you can come together as a couple to address these questions, you will have a much better chance of having a successful marriage. Wanting more out of your marriage is common; addressing the issue in a meaningful way can help you achieve more. If you feel like you are unable to figure out why the need for more is arising, you can also talk to a relationship coach to help you get to the root issue.
4. Don’t Look at Other Couples
The grass always tends to look greener on the other side, especially if you feel like your grass has started to develop some weeds. When you find yourself struggling through a slump in the marriage and wanting more from your marriage, you need to start putting up a guard against the temptation of comparing.
If you start to compare your marriage to other relationships, it can be detrimental. You need to understand that every marriage is different, and while the other couple may seem better to you, it can be a misconception. They may have other issues that you do not know about, and many different factors contribute to a happy relationship. Comparing marriages can lead you to a strange place that you will never be able to recover from.
5. Keep the Good Days in Mind
Constantly thinking about the things that are missing within your marriage can also begin to hurt the relationship. Sometimes the funk around you can prevent you from seeing the good things that occur in your marriage too. By solely focusing on things that are bad, you can end up having an unrealistic view of your relationship.
You should always take some time to remember the different things you have to be thankful for as well. You can simply make a list of the good things such as why you are glad you married your partner, the good moments you spent together recently, or anything else that made you feel good about being married.
Being grateful for the good things can make you even more motivated to fix the missing things in your marriage. It can encourage you to fix any issue because, at the end of the day, you are still happy to be in a relationship with your spouse. This process can be enlightening and an amazing approach to tackling what is missing your relationship.
6. Never Assign Blame
Pointing fingers at this time can feel like an attack. If you feel like there is something missing in your marriage, it can be quite tempting to blame the issue on your partner. Thoughts like ‘he just isn’t as attracted to me as he was before’ or ‘they don’t make an effort to be romantic anymore’ can start to impact the marriage in a negative manner.
This doesn’t mean that the actions, or even in-actions, aren’t part of the problem, but the blame doesn’t solely rest on them. While the acts may seem mundane, you may also have contributed to the problem. By focusing on assigning blame, you will only get lost. You will not be focused enough on finding a viable solution but rather start a fight about who is to blame.
You can come together as a couple and vow to give each other more time and show affection. These kinds of actionable steps are better than arguing about who is to blame for the lull in the marriage. The latter will only create more hurt and disparity in the relationship, remember wanting more from your marriage is not about blaming.
7. Let It All Out
Invite your partner to have a deeper conversation about how you have been feeling, but make sure that you are taking ownership of your part, too (in a healthy way). You should listen to what they have to say and ask them to share their take on how things are going in your marriage. They have some keen insights that you may have missed out on too, which could be leading to the gap in your marriage. They may also have some need to improve or change things.
For example, you may think that your partner doesn’t find you attractive and thus is withdrawing from sex. But your partner can be dealing with stress or insecurities about the recent weight gain that may have them withdrawing. If you don’t ask, how will you know what is going on with them?
While you are sharing your side of the story, you should remember to let it all out but carefully. You need to ensure that your partner doesn’t come out of the conversation feeling like you are dissatisfied with them as a person. You just need to make sure that they know you value your relationship with them, and you love them, which is why you want to work on what you are feeling. The simple issue is that you just want more out of the life you have built together for both of you.
8. Try Something New
To tackle the range of issues that you are facing, you should be open to trying something new as well. The older changes and actions you were taking may not be working as well as they used to, which is why you are feeling like something is missing. Why keep settling for the same old attempts at nostalgia, when you can always try something new with your beau?
There are always some old memories and ways that you need to continue embracing since that can be fun, but looking for new things is also a great start. You can take turns to suggest a new thing that you do together. Start simple; try going on a breakfast date instead of the same old dinners. You can start a new hobby that you do together. You can move on to writing a weekly handwritten note to each other too. Come up with new ways to reconnect in your marriage, and it can even turn out to be quite fun to explore new activities together.
If something doesn’t work, you can always discard it and move to another activity.
Wanting More from Your Marriage
If you continue to feel like something is missing and you want more from your marriage, despite trying everything in your power to make some changes, it can be prudent to seek help from a third, unbiased party. A professional marriage coach can help you get to the root issue of the problem. They can help you unravel the layers so that you can have a happier, more successful marriage.
If you are looking for expert help and sound advice, consider giving us a call. Talk to a confidential professional relationship coach by booking your free consultation now!