Am I Too Traumatized in my Relationship? Your problems with dating aren’t caused by something about you that will always be wrong. Being vulnerable in relationships shows the old wounds that never healed if you have experienced trauma. Each new link you make can be hard because it gives you a chance to finally be happy or to suffer another possible heartbreak.
HOW TRAUMA WORKS
Traumatic events make it harder to connect with others in a real way. You create walls. Fear guides you. There are “worst-case scenarios” everywhere. You use harmful ways to deal with things. Trauma changes so many things about how you see the world and yourself. It changes the way you think, how you feel, how your nerve system works, and how much you can trust.
Trauma is much more than just a story about what happened to you. Those feelings, beliefs, and body sensations that you picked up during the trauma are still very much alive in you—not as memories, but as emotions in the present.
Trauma is also what didn’t happen to you but should have, like not getting your needs met, being left alone, or being ignored.
Do any of these sound familiar? Do you think your past events have shaped your current beliefs and fears about dating?
When it comes to psychological trauma, it’s not so much the “event” that matters as how you were or were not able to deal with it. So no event that was upsetting for you is “too small” or “irrelevant.” Your trauma counts.
THE ANTIDOTE TO TRAUMA
Experience-based healing is the cure for trauma. I’m sure you can think of many situations where you can understand something intellectually but not feel the same way about it. What you know and what you do are sometimes two different things. The right side of your brain is where traumatic memories are kept. They are scattered, physical, nonverbal, mental, and based on behavior. To heal, you must show your nerve system that you are safe, not just tell it.
Our nervous system is always looking for signs in the surroundings. Then, it decides whether each cue is safe or not safe. Stephen Porges came up with the term “Neuroception” for this process. Depending on how safe our environments and interactions are, we either shut down or open up and grow. People are born with the ability to connect with others. Traumatic events change the way the brain works so that it looks for safety instead. When you are constantly on the lookout for danger, there is no time for play, fun, trust, or relaxation. This constant search for safety happens on an unconscious level, so you may not even be aware of it.
You don’t have to do this by yourself. People who are emotionally safe can help you keep your nervous system in check. For coregulation, everyone needs safe links. Who makes you feel secure in your life?
People who are emotionally safe make it safe for others to think and feel. That safety can be felt in their appearance, in the way they move, and in their “energy.” Through co-regulation, these relationships can help control your defense system. Co-regulation happens when someone else sees and hears what you feel and what you are going through. This gives you a good feeling.
It’s okay if you don’t have someone like that in your life at first. Can you try to find other ways to calm your nerves? Having fun with your animals? Being in nature? Taking a bath? You can take care of yourself by doing these things while you work to get more safe, helpful people in your life. Sometimes your doctor is the first person who makes you feel safe, which is also a great way to start healing. Find a good Life & Relationship Coach if you don’t already have one.
THE POWER OF CARING FOR YOURSELF
No matter what type of therapy or coaching you use to start your healing process, you need to be kind to yourself. The less you can change, the more you don’t like yourself. Criticizing or putting someone down doesn’t help them get better or grow. The more you accept how you feel right now, the more you’ll be able to choose how you feel next time.
When you care about yourself, you can learn better. The way you dislike, hate, and criticize yourself is a way to keep yourself safe. But it’s no longer helping you or keeping you safe, see? It is so important to look at yourself in the present without judging yourself negatively and to recognize that you are a flawed person who deserves care. You are the same as everyone else, and everyone deserves kindness.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you lie to yourself or make reasons for yourself. It just makes room for safety and for things to change. The first step to a healthy relationship is caring for yourself first.
The difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.”
“Fitting in” means becoming what you think you need to be to be accepted, like trying to make everyone happy. “Belonging” means being your true self and knowing that you belong to yourself. The first step on your path to healing is to work on being true to yourself, to ask yourself what you need and to give it to yourself, and to connect with yourself and safe people to feel like you belong.
“In a loving relationship, no one has the upper hand. Instead, people hold hands.” – Dr. John Gottman
Once you start dating or get into a relationship, it’s important to accept your partner as they are. But it’s also important to know what you won’t compromise on. Both acceptance and limits are important for a healthy partnership.
5 THINGS TO LOOK FOR IN A RELATIONSHIP
- Honesty. If someone lies to you, don’t believe them. Don’t try to give them reasons why they lied.
- Transparency. Are they a book you can read? Do they want you to be a part of their life, family, and friends? You should be able to ask questions and get replies without any trouble. Please keep in mind that there is a difference between secrecy and privacy, which is something we all need because it sets good limits. Even if they don’t tell you their darkest secrets right away, getting to know them should be easy and comfortable.
- Accountability. Do they keep their promises and do what they say they’ll do? Keep in mind that deeds speak more loudly than words.
- Moral choices. If you see them doing something wrong or you don’t like how they think, move on. Again, this has to do with being true to yourself.
- A sign of friendship. Do they think about what you want or do they only do what’s best for themselves? If they can show, even in small ways, that they have your back, that’s a great sign.
ONE MORE THOUGHT
It doesn’t always have to be that way just because dating is difficult for you because of past trauma. You can get better. Start by choosing yourself with kindness as the first step.
Use a research-based self-assessment to find out how healthy your relationship is, and then get a personalized digital plan that has been shown to heal and strengthen your bond.
Relationship & Marriage Coaching
You go to your doctor if you are in pain, you go to your accountant if you are having tax problems, and you go to a mechanic if your car is broken. You can now contact a Relationship Coach for assistance with your relationship and marriage needs.
If you require assistance or want to strengthen your bond, Couples coaching is the answer. It’s a safe environment where you can address issues and improve areas of your relationship that need attention with the help of an experienced relationship coach.
Makes a lot of since thanks for sharing