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8 Things You Won’t Change About Your Partner – PERIOD!

Accept what you cannot change!  Acceptance is the glue to a long-term relationship. To keep your love alive, choose to see the good in your partner, make sure that your expectations are realistic, and accept what you cannot change. It is simple, you must choose to love your partner for who he or she is (quirks, flaws, and all).   You see, as powerful as being in a relationship can be, there are just some things that even love can’t change — namely who your partner is at his or her core.

Although there’s no way around the reality that you will get on each other’s nerves sometimes; you can better understand habits that are considered annoying and may decrease attraction in your relationship. By being aware of the obvious and not-so-obvious behaviors that can drive your partner away, you can work toward making healthier choices and breaking any bad habits that may interfere with love.

Many of us are so focused on our partner being our ‘enemy’ because they are not perfectly meeting our needs that we create unnecessary chaos to feel something.  If we are doing this, then we are not anchored enough in loving ourselves…Accept what you cannot change! 

Here is a list of 8 things you will NOT CHANGE about your partner PERIOD!

1.  Their NEED for Alone Time.

You want to spend every waking moment with them, but they need their space. You might read the request as hurtful but consider this silver lining: Time apart often keeps a relationship fresh while ensuring that you both maintain your individuality.  When people are always together, they can feel as though the relationship is the only substantive thing going on in their lives. It can cause resentment! People want companionship but they also want meaningful connections and self-reflection to both recharge and keep their relationship fresh.  OUR POINTAttempting to change a partner’s desire for alone time is selfish. Accept what you cannot change! 

2.  Their NEED to Plan Every Detail.

You meticulously plan every detail of your life, from when you’re taking your next vacation to when you want to have kids. Meanwhile, your partner has a take-life-as-it-comes type of attitude. The divide may be attractive at first — you complement each other so well!  Eventually, it will become problematic.  In any case, you’re not likely to change each other’s way of thinking.

Usually it is not a case of opposites, but rather a difference in personality. You see some people are just more regulated and are prepared to pay attention to the details of life, while others are more likely to go with what they are feeling in the moment.

The conflict will play out in a variety of ways:

  • rules for how the children will be raised
  • spending and saving
  • even how to spend a weekend.

OUR POINTRelationships where people differ strongly in their tolerance for delayed gratification can deteriorate to a condition where all the energy in the relationship is focusing on trying to change the other person.

3. Their Relationship with Their Family. 

You know that saying, “You don’t just marry a person; you marry his or her entire family“? It’s 100 percent true!  People’s feelings about their own families are deeply ingrained, and they are not likely to alter significantly just because they are in a relationship now.  However, you can come to compromise, but if your partner and your family don’t get along, pressing for change is not likely to work.  Instead, we suggest you simply give your partner a free pass to avoid unnecessary get-together’s.  OUR POINT:  Family togetherness is nice, but not at the expense of your relationship with your partner.

4.  Whether They Are an Introvert or An Extrovert. 

Opposites attract, but only up to a point: Somewhere down the line, you may wish your introverted partner was a little less inclined to stay in for yet another night of Netflix — and he/she very well might wish you were not such a social butterfly.

Your partner’s temperament is one thing you really can’t change. One great example is whether they are an extrovert, who relaxes by being around others, or an introvert, who relaxes by being alone.  OUR POINT:  People who marry across extrovert/introvert divide will have to accept their partner’s needs for social interaction, or, equally, for time alone to recharge.

5.  Mental Illness.

Watching your partner struggle with mental illness is incredibly painful, and you might want to fix them, heal them, or urge them to “get over” it.  But it’s important to remember it just doesn’t work that way. You simply cannot ‘fix’ these issues on someone else’s behalf.

While a loving and supporting partner can help a person with these issues, the issues are only treated and properly controlled with evidence-based treatment. No amount of love, nagging, etc., will be a solution to this problem.  OUR POINT:  Mental Illness can be a lifelong problem that won’t go away with your nagging. Help can only happen if the person decides [for] himself or herself that treatment is needed and chooses to seek it.

6.  Religious Beliefs.

While it’s certainly not always the case, having an interfaith relationship when you’re both deeply religious may prove problematic.  Most of the time, the problems don’t arise until late in the relationship.  People who were raised going to religious services frequently will often want to resume this practice when they have their own children; even if they didn’t attend services as a younger adult.  OUR POINT:  On the flip side, if your partner is an atheist and skeptical, it’s unlikely they’ll become devoted believers just by virtue of being with someone who has religious beliefs.  Accept what you cannot change! 

7.  Their Anger Issues.

Many of us go into relationships believing we can change or fix things we don’t like about our partners. If the trait in question is your partners anger issues, holding on to that belief can be downright dangerous.  Explosive and disproportionate anger is one of the most common reasons people give up on their relationships.  It’s an issue that needs to be taken with the utmost seriousness!  Beware of a person who has a bad temper, who seems to get angry over nothing and a person whose anger seems out of proportion to the situation.  Our PointThis is one personality characteristic that is almost impossible to change so STOP tryingAccept what you cannot change! 

8.  Their Hobbies. 

When work or family life gets stressful, hobbies and pastimes are what keep us going. Don’t bother trying to change your partners favorite activities. For one thing, your annoyance over their shopping or video playing love is probably much ado about nothing.   Individuality is important — we lose ourselves and lose control if hobbies are lost, not to mention the relationship can be harmed in the process.  Our PointWe typically tell our clients that if you know that a hobby is a big part of your partners life and you think they spend too much time on it, then you two probably aren’t a good fit (period)! Accept what you cannot change! 


You see so many of us are so focused on our partner being our ‘enemy’ because they are not perfectly meeting our needs that we create unnecessary chaos to feel something.  If we are doing this, then we are not anchored enough in loving ourselves.

So, when your critical inner voice speaks up and tells you to judge your partner, confront it by choosing to focus on acceptance and love instead.  No matter how hard you try there are just certain things about your partner/significant other that you will NOT change.  If your partner has any of these traits, you’re going to have to either learn to live with it and love them anyway or move on. Because they’re not going to change.  All positive relationships are born out of the love you have for yourself.  Accept what you cannot change! 

Published at www.marriagemeansmoore.com

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Antonio & Laura Moore – Marriage & Relationship Coaches –  August 12, 2019
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